long time, no post

I havent written one of these in a while, so i guess i should. Who could have guessed the past few turn of events. Literally, in less than 3 weeks, things went to hell, and things got worse for her, great for us, and then horrible for her again. basically, its one hell of a roller coaster for our emotions. but i see the track ending soon. i mean i see the station platform, not the end of the tracks, like us dying. I see that me and mary might get of this roller coaster fine. I know its hard for her to do, but if she trusts me, i know we can make it through this. She is going through SOOOO much shit though, its hard to have vision when everything is bogging you down. I hope she knows that I am always there for her, whenever she needs me, and wherever she needs me. I guess thats why I'm taking this trip to go see her. It's an aweful idea for my school work. I could work on my music and help lift the loads of juries off, but instead, i wanna help her out as much as i can. I know she needs to see me, so im willing to do this for her, just so we can make it through this alive. I love her with all of my heart, and she loves me with hers. we just need to hold onto each other and refuse to let go. then we will be able to be together....forever. :)

chris parker

p.s. about freaking time i wrote this, and about time we got back together, because i missed you. :)

I miss her more than ever

Basically the title says it all (as usual). i miss her. a lot. and i think its because of the trouble that has befallen her. usually when we were dating, she would come running to me at the slightest sign of a problem, and i would tlak her through it and together we would fix it. and now, she cant/wont do that. i cheered her up a little bit, but then she just said i have to go, and left me again. i know i was hard on her when i first heard the news, but i was scared and when i get scared, i get very angry, and i just said some aweful things to her. she didnt need that, and she got away from me. i immediatly regret saying most of those things to her, and now i know that she needs a friend. she actually took my advice for once and used the friends she has at school, but now she does it when i want to be her lone friend. yeah, get that, it sucks. well, i just hope that when she reads this, she knows that i was missing her and i hope that everything pans out well, and i hope that she still...ummmm......wumbo's me? im not sure how to word it. im sure she does

wumbo

chris parker

the fight continues.

well, based off all the risks we took today, it sounds like we are still going to fight. i was like "hell yeah" when she was talking to me, and it sounds like we were actually getting along quite well.....until the end. then things went south, and i dont know why our conversations are doing that a lot now. they seem to be just great, then randomly, someone just goes off the path and starts cutting the other person down. and for what seems like the wrong reasons. i believe its a reaction to us "waking up". see i believe that when we talk, its like we are in our own world, and its wonderful. we are just ignoring everything around us, and at that moment, the only thing that matters is us, but then someone will open their eyes to the really world and just say, "nope thats not what we should do." often times it has to do with the fact that she is dating colby or that we are not allowed to text, so she goes. am i mad at her? of course not. do i hate that it happens? yes. do i think we can help it? idk. the one that could stop it is us just not talking unless she wants to fully commit, which would be never to rarely. i dont want that, and i would hope she wouldnt either. the other option is for me to not expect as much, which is hard. i mean one second its like, you and me cant talk for 6 months, then the next, we are daring each other to make moves on each other, and i mean big ones (you know what im talking about) and then the next moment we are back to that sex is wrong, i get sick after sex, is that right, and so on and so forth. i just feel like we are on a rollercoaster of just the most random shit, and its a super up and down coaster like goliath at six flags in georgia. the only solution that i have in mind is just be aware and try to calm down our drama notches a bit. no matter what though, im sooooooooooooo happy. she still uses our word and therefor, feelings are still present. she cant show them to me, but i know they are there. everyone (except emily) i talk to tells me "she is a slut. get over that bitch" (sorry for the wake up call, but NO ONE i have talked to thinks that you and colby was a "good move" aka, they think you kinda hit me below the belt). i dont think that at all.... well it hurt but what am i suppose to do, not let you experiment? of course im getting called crazy for doing this, but im crazy for you, so im going to go through with it if i can get another chance with you. emily calls it amazing, and she as well as i hope that you see how dedicated i am to you, and that i want you so badly im willing to watch you date another man, and be "fine" with it to the point that im not yelling at you. im getting off subject. i know your going through a lot emotionally, and i just dont want you to make yourself go boom. i know that feelings between us are there, and later, i will take advantage of that. if you wanna keep those feelings away from me right now, tell me. if you wanna show them to me, show them to me. but for the love of pete, dont do both, because now I cant handle this back and forth game, so lets just pick one and stick with it. please write back, hope to hear from you soon. oh, and have fun at disney (put tell colby to keep it in his pants) ;)

wumbo :)

chris parker

facebook info

your email: ttudrumminfreak@gmail.com

your password: sex kitten

be sure to put the space in the password. if you have questions, please call. by the way, i will get tech people to friend request you, so please accept them so you look legit. if you want to get a photo for your pro pic, go the studio website and pick a persons picture.

http://orgs.tntech.edu/percussionstudio/

or get the group photo, that might work too

a new way of thinking

after the incident with the devil (thank you gracie collins), things went from neck high in shit, to 10 feet above our heads in shit. this is too much. (side note: my drumming friend nick says hi) She can't handle it, and i dont blame her. So i propose a new way of thinking. What i was trying to do with mary is be like a horse with blinders: just mary, all the time, going to go with no one but her. But all the events taking place are making me realize that my way of thinking is hurting her. because im doing this, she feels obligated to make me a big role in her life. but im suppose to play no role in her life right now, according to her mother. we both know that i will always play a role in her life, and she will always play on in mine. Thanks to our pasts, that is inveitable, but i want her in my future as well. I hope she would want me in her future, but here is what i suggest for us right now.

Just instead of being a horse with blinders, be a member of the marching band. Your head is towards the drum major, but your always looking around constantly to get in forms and such. so like, i want to marry her, but im not going to push for it. im just going to wait. i might see another girl along the way. i might try dating her, but im always going to want mary. i dont want to say bounce back girl, but almost like that. time heals everything, and i believe that eventually, your mother will have to forgive me, and on that day, we can be friends again. and hell, if we are not past that phase in our lives, we can date again. i want you to know that you have played a very important role in my life. i will always find you incredibly attractive, and just a wonderful person and an exceptional girlfriend. your my absolute best friend, but right now, you just need to be my blog buddy. i will never forget you, and i hope you never forget me. i dont want this to sound like the end, but instead a new way of thinking. i dont want to stop talking or seeing you, or hell even liking you. but i want to take the pressure off you. until your parents calm down, you will be in control of the talking to me and seeing me (if ever) and such. i hope that your feelings for me dont change, though im not suggesting that you attach on to me in such a dangerous way that your parents will never forgive me. hold on baby, but loosely.

finally, last order of business. my tech friends looked at me this morning and said "aurora chris? really?" they figured it out because of the mutual friends and such, and they gave me this suggestion. I can create a profile for you of a "new studio member", all the guys in the studio will be friends with this person and i can get the music building to be friends with this person. i can give you the password, and we can talk that way on facebook. Now i dont know the exact facebook rules you have, so i dont know if you can actually do this. yet again, i dont want to force you to do this, i am simply throwing out a suggestion. i hope that you like my new way of thinking, and i wish you and colby the best of luck. post back your thoughts and comments about my idea.

wumbo

chris parker

Notice

Please text when the date is over....but please read on, the next blog entry is a good one. and remember your best friend please!

chris parker

The First Date

today, i woke up late because i stayed up late last night. i havent had my meds in a while, and i probably need to get that taken care of.....(a few moments later (in spongebob narrorator voice)) that was good. ok. so i will addmit, i am getting jealous. well, its hard not to you see. when we WERE dating, mary told me i wasnt protective enough, so i decided that she was my territory and no one else was going to have her. she liked that, but now that she is dating other guys, i am still protective of her. i think deep down, she is also jealous. when other high school girls started flirting with me on facebook, she attacked me and started using the jealousy she had and twisted it to try and make me jealous. it was a bad situation. we are over it now, so lets just move on.

sometimes i feel like she is moving herself away from me on purpose. is she afraid to get too close to me? is she worried that i will pull her back in? but all i kow is that she is slowly cutting me out of the situation, i can tell. i know she thinks that we are just being friends and thats why im becoming less important in her life, but even in our conversations, she doesnt seem to care about me. i know it sounds selfish, and i know she says that she is the one who has the most problems, but now the tables have turned. now im one with a lot of problems too, and i feel like she either doesnt know that they are there, or she doesnt care about them. i mean, im not saying she needs to drop all of her problems and ignore her boyfriend just to ask how my fever has been doing in the past 30 seconds, but an occassional "are you ok today?" question would make me feel like she actually does care about me.

which brings me to this point right here. i know you are confused and you dont know what to do, but you know who you care about. i hope that i am in that group of people you care about and i hope that you would want to know if they are hurting or not. if i am not in that group of people whom you care about, then i dont need to be your best friend or anything, and i just need to go. it will kill me for a while, but not as badly as me holding on to someone who doesnt care about you.

i am not suggesting that you dont care about me. i know that you have a lot on your plate, and i know times are getting rough for you. i will do my best to clear my end of the plate with me and your mother, but i just need to know that you think i am an important aspect of your life. when we text, its like you dont even want to text me, your just doing it so you dont feel bad. or maybe colby is working and you are trying to make me your "boyfriend", but not really because he has asked you out already (and via text? really colby? come on man you have to do better than that). i dont know the full situation. all i know is this: with all of the one word texts and all the ttyl's and texting lingo, it seems like you dont want to talk to me and when you do, you wanna talk about you and your problems of life. i would like for you to show an interest in my life, and if you dont want to, we need to seriously talk about that.

chris parker

twist the knife

you see, once you stab an animal in the heart, you twist the knife so that when the normal shock of the initial pain is over, you can just absolutly demloish him by twisting the knife. today that happened with me. thank you facebook i love you too.

here is the story

when odyssey performed at nashville and sucked it up in prelims, we had to load our truck and then head out to a local high school (or in this case, a sports facility) to have a place to reherse in the morning. once we got to the location, the instructors told us this "when step off this bus, whoever sees you will remember odyssey by the things you say, and your actions; so if your a dick to them, they will think odyssey is full of dicks, but if your nice, then they will see odyssey in a positive light" so when we got off that bus, we were pissed sure, but we put on a smile as we unloaded our shit. i noticed 4 girls were wispering and pointing in my direction. when i put my snare down and my carrier they came over with two boys and said the usual "thats a sweet mohawk!". so i started talking to them and being poliet. i might have talked 5 minutes, then the mat needed to be unloaded so i told them i had to go. needless to say, i didnt see them again, because they had already loaded up, and they were staying in a hotel that night, so they left. the 2 older girls (the ones with boyfriends) must have joined the odyssey fan page and saw my name as christopher MOHAWK parker, and then friend requested me. when i got the friend requests, it reminded me of cavalier camp, and the time i met the blue devils. when i went to cavalier camp, all the guys there wanted to be your friend and they were so nice. it was awesome that they were so down to earth that they didnt see themselves as "too good for you" and it certainly made me feel special when i was just an average 16 year old drummer and the center tenor dude is talking to me about my music tastes. the blue devils on the other hand....totally different. they dont hold camps. they dont talk to you. because they think they are better than you. so the whole world thinks that they are a bunch of assholes. i didnt want to be like the blue devils, so i accepted their friend requests. i didnt expect them to start posting on everything on my facebook, but they did. and im trying my best to be somewhat polite and answer back.

look, you stabbed me in the heart, and that can heal and i can live through that. just stop twisting the knife please.... i beg you

live to die another day

that's kindof how i feel now. i remembered the doctor looked at me a little funny, but i forget that people die while they have the flu. its actually not that uncommon. it scares me a little. i have been sooooooooo dehydrated lately my routine is medicine, finish a bottled water, get a nosebleed, do it all over again. i am scared, and i know im suppose to be a manly man, but shit like this is scare, i dont care how manly you are.

so we talked yesterday.... A LOT. dont get me wrong, i liked it....kinda.... i mean, i liked most of it. the problem was that i was using my normal conversational skills with her (aka flirting a hell of a lot) and she would change the subject to colby. i mean, its hard to picture them together, but its even harder to imagine him all up in that. im not saying that she is going to let him do that, but im also not saying that he is just going to hold her hand and kiss her on the cheek as this relationship goes. and by that i mean, i dont even have a good guess of how long that thing is going to last. oh i need to clear something up.

the reasons i quit corps go as follows:

1. my mind could not handle the pressure
2. my hands could not perform at that level on that instrument yet.
3. too much time in the hot sun.
4. too much time period....i want to see my friends.

you see my little flower blossem (is that a better name or should be go back to the old one?), no offense, but you are number 4 on the list. dont think that i just quit corps to be with you. and in my book, being with you no matter how many people are there is absolutly fine with me. you wouldnt have to lie to your paretns if you said im going to see a movie with my friends because you will....you just "didnt realize" that you told me your movie plans the night before and never invited me but i invited myself. but, that plan will have to wait for now.....

and i hope she was serious about one of the texts she sent me yesterday. it gave me so much hope i triple locked the sucker down and it isnt going away soon. it went a little something like this.

me: hey, if im a great best friend for you right now in your time of need, do you promise to give me a second chance you and colby have tried this relationship and have broken up?

her: yes

(cue heart melts to goo puddle, little flower blossem, you might want to check a pair of your jeans (remember, thats were my heart is (in your back pocket (maybe? (who knows, she might have forgotten (you know, this would suck if it was an alegebra problem (....... (find x))))))))

you cant really beat 8 parenthesis, so what are you gonna do now son! So i made a pact with myself last night.... im going to be the best best friend she ever had....so much, we will be bfff (best f*#&ing friends forever) and i need her help. i hearby swear to listen and not expload on whatever the topic may be. you can try me....talk about colby and i will listen...talk about him getting all up in there and i will recommend you dont do it (i heard complaints from katie weinman (next time colby, use 2 fingers, not 4 (ouch))), but i will be there for you. in return, i need you to help me and actually talk to me as your best friend and (no offense) best lover (because we both know its true). i love you baby, but i love you enough to let colby have the stage long enough to taste the limelight, but in the end, im sure i will live in it. yeah, i think ill leave on that epic note

chris parker

y olive soup

day....well it doesnt even matter anymore now does it

what i mean by the title is simply this: it doesnt matter when the 40 days end, all i know is that i can only be her best friend. i know that sounds very selfish of me and i apologize for that, but i use to be her entire world, and i really liked that. enough of my sorrow, lets talk about my day.

i am pumped with so many drugs, i dont even know how im writing this right now...its basically a miricle. they have me on 2 special flu drugs, a cough supressent, and i have to take ibuprofin and tylonol...and lots of it too. in the end of 1 day, (assuming i am awake for only 12 hours instead of a usual 16) i will have had 1200 miligrams of ibuprofin, 2000 miligrams of tylonol, two of each of the flu pills, and 4 tbs of the cough supressent. on top of that, im drinking so much water, i basically have to pee every 30 minutes, and thats the exercise i get for the day. my mother showed me a little bit of my SAPA show....she said we looked a lot better, but i thought we sucked. maybe i need someone to be a tie breaker.......

odyssey still wants me to go down to rehersal this weekend, and basically sit on the sidelines. thats great and all, i just dont know where i will stay so that i dont contaminate others with this disease, because i know the last thing they want is for the week of dayton, 4 people on the snare line come down with the flu (you see, we reherse at a christian school, and they dont approve of us spending the night there since there are girls in the line too, so we have to stay at the local drummers houses, and the house i stay at is almost the entire snare line is there, so yeah thats what i meant by that). that really sucks a lot. my teachers seem to be understanding about my breakdown, and they want to help as much as they can. one of the teachers is going to let me re-take quizes, even though on his syllabus (i really dont know how to spell that) said some thing like this

THERE WILL BE NO MAKE UP WORK.....EVER!

So yeah, he is a cool guy. it makes me happy. well, back to bed. you know that whole flu thing kinda sortof sucks! im formulating what songs shall go on my new cd. but in the meantime....

chris parker

y olive soup