the fight continues.

well, based off all the risks we took today, it sounds like we are still going to fight. i was like "hell yeah" when she was talking to me, and it sounds like we were actually getting along quite well.....until the end. then things went south, and i dont know why our conversations are doing that a lot now. they seem to be just great, then randomly, someone just goes off the path and starts cutting the other person down. and for what seems like the wrong reasons. i believe its a reaction to us "waking up". see i believe that when we talk, its like we are in our own world, and its wonderful. we are just ignoring everything around us, and at that moment, the only thing that matters is us, but then someone will open their eyes to the really world and just say, "nope thats not what we should do." often times it has to do with the fact that she is dating colby or that we are not allowed to text, so she goes. am i mad at her? of course not. do i hate that it happens? yes. do i think we can help it? idk. the one that could stop it is us just not talking unless she wants to fully commit, which would be never to rarely. i dont want that, and i would hope she wouldnt either. the other option is for me to not expect as much, which is hard. i mean one second its like, you and me cant talk for 6 months, then the next, we are daring each other to make moves on each other, and i mean big ones (you know what im talking about) and then the next moment we are back to that sex is wrong, i get sick after sex, is that right, and so on and so forth. i just feel like we are on a rollercoaster of just the most random shit, and its a super up and down coaster like goliath at six flags in georgia. the only solution that i have in mind is just be aware and try to calm down our drama notches a bit. no matter what though, im sooooooooooooo happy. she still uses our word and therefor, feelings are still present. she cant show them to me, but i know they are there. everyone (except emily) i talk to tells me "she is a slut. get over that bitch" (sorry for the wake up call, but NO ONE i have talked to thinks that you and colby was a "good move" aka, they think you kinda hit me below the belt). i dont think that at all.... well it hurt but what am i suppose to do, not let you experiment? of course im getting called crazy for doing this, but im crazy for you, so im going to go through with it if i can get another chance with you. emily calls it amazing, and she as well as i hope that you see how dedicated i am to you, and that i want you so badly im willing to watch you date another man, and be "fine" with it to the point that im not yelling at you. im getting off subject. i know your going through a lot emotionally, and i just dont want you to make yourself go boom. i know that feelings between us are there, and later, i will take advantage of that. if you wanna keep those feelings away from me right now, tell me. if you wanna show them to me, show them to me. but for the love of pete, dont do both, because now I cant handle this back and forth game, so lets just pick one and stick with it. please write back, hope to hear from you soon. oh, and have fun at disney (put tell colby to keep it in his pants) ;)

wumbo :)

chris parker